The Challenge of Dealing With A 'Little Grudge'

A little grudge, eh? Yeah, grudge or a little grudge. You heard it! This is not good, i guess. That's why I wanna call it a little grudge. But I think it's all the same... a grudge is a grudge, isn't it?

Wednesday morning, on my way to work I came face to face with someone I really don't wanna see anymore. (Uh oh, wake up, Albine. The world is so small and there's a huge possibility to bump into anyone living in this planet.) I share the same ride on a public vehicle with this woman -- let's call her Sali -- who left a great impact to my life. Actually she is not the only person I almost swear I really do not want to see anymore for my entire life. They are a family. The story behind it is such a big family issue but I'd rather not say those details here.

This post I'm doing today, really is difficult. I wonder if I could write something out of honesty or without protecting a nice image of myself here in the blog arena. I see that sometimes honesty allows myself to expose my negative sides. That takes a lot of courage, I think. It's good to build a good image, but most of the time it's better to expose my dark sides because real nice people would accept me despite of these flaws I have. I just hope that my story's gonna give a picture of the real me.

Going back to Sali, I have this little grudge with her and among other else in her household. The fact that they're my neighbors means it's not really good to harbor these things in me. It's not healthy, I know. That's why to be good enough I said: "Okay, I want peace therefore you would never hear me saying anything against you. We've got no more connection, we ended our story and the book has been closed." Deep in my heart it's like saying I'll live life as if I never knew them before. That's why I always wished that our own roads won't cross anymore. But neighbors are neighbors. We're in just a small community and we access to common services. Then after almost a year of 'loosing' that connection, here we are face to face with one another. What a discomfort feeling on a Wednesday morning. My thoughts kept telling they've been unfair and sad stories kept coming back. Heart pounds, arms and legs tremble, and teary eyes were all I had that moment. I tried to manage so I decided to get some coins and pay for two rides: for me and for her, Sali. I turned to her and said, "I paid for your ride, don't bother". She smiled back. I didn't feel okay despite of her gesture. Even until I took off the ride while I left her in the same public vehicle.

I thought such close encounter would be a very rare encounter. On the contrary, the next morning (Thursday) the same thing happened again. In one vehicle we sat side by side. She noticed me first. I didn't say any words but I just looked at her. I don't know if she is being comfortable with me and she asked: "Work this summer period?" ...I nodded. "Who's with you in the house?" I raised my two hands, palms up signaling "none" without saying a word again. "Are you okay?" I nodded, the second time. I really avoided to talk because I felt like crying and I'd like to hide her my cries. I never wanted to make these cries so obvious to anyone else who know me this time. Before we took off the ride, she said: "I'll pay for your ride." Then I didn't say anything again and allowed her to pay for me. I never said anything, even until we parted each other that Thursday morning. I even forgot to say "thank you for paying for my fare".

I don't know If I've been rude but I was sure I still have the same old grudge because otherwise, I would never feel as bad as that. Overcoming this grudge is the greatest struggle I think I have for now. Actually I don't wanna call it grudge. And sometimes I tell myself, "I don't wanna keep it anymore. Let go of all those grudges and bitterness." The solution for this, I think is forgiveness.

Ahh, forgiveness! What is it, by the way? Is it easy to learn?