Hey, Albine... It's been so Long, What Happened?
Indeed, it's been so long since I last updated this journal of mine. For lots of reasons like graduate school requirements, inaccessible Internet, assorted feelings and ideas, adjustment to new schedule, and other things.
In graduate graduate school, that thesis of mine and other little projects ate up my time for so many days. The very main reason for not blogging so long. I planned to post one especially on the day I'd like to commemorate my daughter's birthday. My regret I couldn't find time to write a single post or greetings for her, somehow. Then it was semestral break at work and sem break for Internet facility, too...(LOL) Sorry for myself because I couldn't get subscription at home. A couple of weeks had passed and I got unorganized or undecided on what topic to post next. Is it about the bonding moments with some friends? Or about my second date with Sean? The holiday I spent in Marinduque? Or another post on prejudice, racism, and Philippine colonial mentality? Or shall I re-style first this site of mine, change skin, add some blog rolls, links, and etc.? So I end up with nothing on my blog for that span of time. Finally sem break is over but still I had a hard time adjusting to my new schedule. It was the start of another semester and I had lots of preperations at work. Then I was figuring out how I can reconcile my free time with blogging moments.
Do You ever Know How to Relax, Albine?
For my come back post, I'd like to say again I'm so busy. Really I am. In fact, I can just get a 5-hour average sleep a day. Busy with work, studies, and other things. I wonder if life has been designed for me this way forever. But now's a red-letter day in the Philippines and I chose to stay home. Eventhough, to-do list is haunting me, especially household chores... laundry, dusts around the house, unfolded clothes, the bathroom, dried fallen leaves at the small "garden", unattended orchids, pile of unsorted papers... hmm, whatelse? How about pampering myself? Wish I could get time to exfoliate my skin, self-hair-spa, and self-manicure/pedicure. Most of all, I'd like to sleep longer today, early in the afternoon. Ah, but my rule, just for today is -- relax, slow down, don't rush, spontaneity, and silence.
Being alone in the house seems so easy to relax, but for my state of being it's the other way around. I hate the silence here. It's so lonely. I can keep the Media Player running but still silence is all over my place. I'm aching. Today I'm taking my time outta here, but is this my kind of break? See the stream of tears coming from my eyes. Why do moments of darkness keep coming back? Why can't I forget such betrayals they made? The fiction stories my ex-lovers told me and the hypocrisy and insensitivity of some people whom I thought were my friends. How will I learn to forgive myself? Guilty feelings and regrets... things like "I shouldn't do that" or "I should have done this" or what-ifs. These thoughts never leave me alone here. And why am I so fearful of what lies ahead of me? I hate uncertainties, is there ever a way for me to get the things that I desire?
Negative thoughts are lingering. Hope I can help myself. May not be the right move but I can leave these thoughts and check out my to-do list. Then I would spontaneously start whatever I feel I'd like to do. It's because I'm taking my time outta here. Yes, that's why I better keep myself busy rather than entertaining those lingering unwholesome thoughts.
Comments
Yeah, boredom can be a killer. Keep yourself busy doing stuff, that always helps.
I think I couldn't come up with this blogging without boredom:-)But being busy all the time is boring, too. I think also that nothing beats boredom like a good company of family and friends or if no one is around, a deep, sincere prayer helps a lot.