I was a fool...
I was vulnerable...
I couldn't control myself...
But I have hoped!
What are praises for? I'm not used to it, anyway. I haven't heard my parents praise me nor my brother does; and that, I don't understand. I just have few friends though and sometimes they praise me a little and I don't mind that attention. At work, knowing my boss, he is not the type of person to give praises generously. With my students, there are of course petty little comments but it outweighs those damn complaints against me. Thus overall, I hear just few praises since I got consciousness in the world.
I've been conditioned to being a person who cannot get much attention from others. I can do my own thing and sense that they appreciate my work and then do further. However, at most I can receive despises, criticisms, and rejections and I've learned to get used to it. I could stand still maybe because I've accepted this fact as being inevitable. Somehow, I'm thinking I am also an apple waiting to be chosen one day. Strange still, when this apple happens to be with other more apples on a tray for selection, this one apple is least chosen.
The thought of not being likeable or always being ignored drew me to the extreme side of not having self-confidence. This is very alarming and I wasn't aware of it until one day, one guy started to throw me lots and lots of praises, words of encouragements, and sweet thoughts. These became music to my ears and carried myself to the peak of high emotions. I was like being doped, wanted more and more because I was elated. I wanted to live with it and never wanted to let go of it because it felt so good. That time, I found something to fill my emptiness and tried a grip of it very tightly. I remembered no one in the past who pays me such attention and sees my strengths like that. I wished I'm the only person (lady for that matter) who can draw much attention from him. My constant wish became my greatest desire. I felt the sincerity of praises but my emotions became like the rust in the toughness of the steel. In the peak of it I started to loose my balance and suddenly fell down to the extreme again.
I feel sorry but, I'm sure I won't stop there. I have understood the two extreme conditions of praise and blame, or of attention and disapproval. I shall give it a balance actually. Praises and attention boost one's confidence and approves of to where the person is, but, when blown to one's mind, it's a real danger. With regards to despises and criticisms, these warn one of bad deeds and give opportunity to self-reconstruction. I shall be mindful of the effects of those emotions. I understand the deceiving ways of it, so maybe I shall be a little wiser not to identify myself with it at one time. Emotion, be it low or high, doesn't stand in place forever, and I cross my finger... that I shall stand still, as I face the intensity of it. If I may have NOT learned this time, maybe more practices will make it for me. So,
welcome, praises...
welcome, criticisms...
welcome, recognitions...
welcome, despises...
welcome, approval...
and welcome, rejection!
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Further readings: Eight Worldly Conditions
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